BONELESS BABY SLIPS DOWN BATHTUB DRAIN:
DISTRAUGHT PARENTS NEED YOUR HELP
In a stunning turn of events that stunned scientists and prompted stunned skepticism from everyone else, a stunned Long Beach couple announced that their infant child Willy, who was born without the benefit of bones, accidentally slipped away when they drained the tub before removing the child. “I just wasn’t thinking,” wept the child’s father, Mr. Johnson, as he described watching his offspring circling the drain with a look in his eyes that seemed to say, “WTF, Dad?!?” “Before we could react, he was gone,” Mrs. Johnson added. “There was nothing we could do. I don’t blame my husband. Not now. Not ever. Although there’s a good chance the stress of this situation and an underlying resentment will destroy our marriage.” Doctors at the boy’s birth said that the bone-free condition of the baby was unusual, but not unheard of. “I never understood it myself,” said Dr. Hyram Scrotstymer, a noted babyologist. “I mean why anyone would want a wobbly little blob instead of a normal kid is beyond me, but to each his own, and free speech, and 2nd Amendment and whatnot.” The Johnsons are asking for the public’s help in locating their missing child. “If you have a child of your own, then you can imagine how we feel,” Mrs. Johnson said during a news conference arranged by the couple to plea for assistance. “So I beg of you, send your children to the ponds, the oceans, the aquaducts, even the sewers to look for my beloved Willy. Tell them to dive deep and dive often and not to come up until they have found my boy!” For those interested in contributing to the search, a Go-Fund-Me account has been set up called “BonelessBabyBathtubBoondoggle.” |